Fathers, Finances, and Family Work

 Happy (almost) St. Patrick's Day!! It's time to talk about the three F's: fathers, finances, and family work. Specifically, a father's role within the family, what family work is and the effects it leaves on the family, and finances in family life. When it comes to money and income, do you have the luck of the Irish? Sorry I had to do it. 

What is the role of a father in a family? What influence do they have on the family? The role of a father in a family is obviously different from that of a mother's role. Fathers are usually the provider of the family, earning the most income from working. Mothers typically focus more on nurturing the child and focusing on their emotions. Fathers tend to focus on getting them out into the world, giving them more of a "tough love." Looking back on my childhood, whenever I was feeling sad or upset about something, I would typically go to my mom for a shoulder to cry on and/or advice. She, of course, would validate my feelings and try to make me feel better. If I had a question

about something I didn't know how to do or wanted help with, I would go to my dad. He would provide me with a more realistic view of life and showed me that all these things I was learning were preparing me for life. I think that even though the roles of a father are different, they are much needed! Who then, is in charge of the finances in a family?

When it comes to money, most of us probably want that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. However, that is not realistic for most families. Almost every person struggles financially at some point in their life. What influence does finance have on the family? What influences does the family put upon work and financial demands? Finance usually has a tremendous influence on a family because you need money to live. It puts a lot of stress on the husband and wife to be able to provide for their family. In fact, around 70% of divorces result from financial concerns. To bring in more money, couples will try to receive a dual income just to make ends meet. I feel there is an abundant amount of pressure for women to have a career/job, as well as raise a family. 

For me, I find that my family, friends, and society, in general, expect me to be more than a housewife and mother to my future children. I remember this one day in high school when my friend group was having a conversation about what we wanted to do in the future and what career path we wanted to go down. When it was my turn to share, I said that I do want to go to college and earn a degree, but more importantly, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother for my kids as they are growing up. One of my friends said something along the lines of, "You know that's not a real job right Caitlin? It's not practical. You need to have a real job." That really hurt me because I believe that being a mother is a full-time job. My education is more to me than just making money and getting a job. 

Work is more than just having a 9 to 5, there's such a thing called "family work." Family work is the everyday, normal, work that sustains life. Some of these include vacuuming, taking out the trash, doing laundry, and dishes, making food, taking care of the sick, etc. These daily tasks make up the work a family does on a daily basis. These chores give families the opportunity to work together and show one another their love and respect for each other. 

I hope you enjoyed my little rant about the family (as usual) and I hope you took something away that's worth more than any pot of gold. See you next week!

Communication With Others

 Hi and welcome back to another blog! I love the topic for this week and am really excited to share my thoughts! So, let's just get right into it :)

What do you think is the most challenging thing within a marriage? What about relationships in general? If you said communication, you'd be right! But wait, shouldn't communication be one of the easiest things? Well, it should be, but the easier it is to do something (like communicating), the more likely it is you will be lax about it, and it will progressively get worse. Think about it. When you are frustrated with someone, do you expect them to know you are upset and why even if you haven't said anything to them? I am 100% guilty of this. But why is communication so tough? 

There are many reasons why communication is complex. It could be because of the cultural influence you were surrounded by growing up. So, if you were to say, marry someone from a different cultural background, they wouldn't understand that puckering your lips meant you were pointing at something when they thought it meant you wanted a kiss. A lot of the time (mainly for women), emotions can take over and completely blind reason and rationality. You just can't think straight, and you tend to get pretty defensive. This leads me to another point, selfishness. For me, I just assume that my friends and family know me so well that they can read my mind/know what I'm thinking. I get annoyed when they don't know what I'm feeling or thinking, which is completely unfair to them. Everyone has their own way of communicating, but that doesn't mean you get to be selfish, thinking only of your feelings. You should speak so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood by others.

Using words isn't even the biggest form of communication believe it or not! If I were to break it up into different categories, adding up to 100% it would look a little something like this.

Words = 14%

Tone = 35%

Non-Verbal = 51%

Kinda crazy right! Our body language and facial expressions really say a lot about how we are feeling and what we are thinking. The tone of how we say things reminds me of texting. No matter how many emojis, exclamation points, or GIFs we use, people can still misinterpret our messages through the phone because there's no way to text someone the tone of what we are saying. Texting something like, "Hey, you looked really good today!" could be genuine or completely sarcastic and rude. So how can we improve or fix our communication skills?

There are five effective ways of communication. The disarming technique, empathy, inquiry, "I feel" statements, and stroking. The disarming technique is when you find and state the kernel of truth in a statement. An example of this would be someone saying, "You're always late and I'm so sick and tired of waiting for you!" The truth in that statement is that you are late a lot, and this person has a right to be angry with you. You address this truth with them, and it makes the other person feel heard and understood. Empathy includes thoughts (repeating back what the other person has said) and feelings (emotions). Inquiry is just a fancy word for checking another person's understanding of a situation. "I feel" statements are pretty self-explanatory. Stroking is authentically admiring and appreciating the other person you are communicating with.

I promise that using these ways of communicating will drastically improve how you communicate with others. Your relationships will grow, and you will be happier! I'll see you next week!

Family Crisis

 Stress. Everyone has it at one point or another. Is it good or is it bad? In some cases, stress can be a good motivator and can push you to get outside of your comfort zone. On the other hand, too much stress can lead to other things such as anxiety and depression. What about within a family? This week I want to talk about stress within a family and what happens when a crisis occurs. 

Stress in a family can come from many different factors: a job layoff, an unexpected doctor's visit, or a big move across the country just to name a few. These things of course are not ideal, but they do happen. It's very different from a crisis though. Interestingly, the meaning of the word crisis in Chinese is danger and opportunity. A weird way to look at it right? I think it's beautiful because a crisis could be looked at as dangerous, but it can also be a learning opportunity that brings you closer as a family. You are able to bond with one another in ways you couldn't if something like this didn't happen, by forcing you to work together to fix and/or get through this hurdle.  

Imagine you just married last year and found out you were pregnant a few months ago. Everything is going according to plan. You have your baby girl, and she is happy and healthy. One night suddenly, your baby dies from SIDS. You wake up to find your baby motionless and pale in her crib. Surprisingly, this is a lot more common than you might think. Absolutely devastating for this new family. How do you think they are feeling? The mother would most likely blame herself and say it was all her fault. That if she only would've looked in the baby's room before going to bed, she could have prevented it. She would probably think she is an absolutely terrible mother and would be scared to try and have another baby. The father of course would completely be heartbroken and maybe unsure of how to comfort his wife. He may even blame himself for what happened. This could drive a wedge between the couple and their communication could completely decline. 

A few years ago, my sister and her husband went through a really hard time. He had just lost his job in Oklahoma, so they moved back to my hometown. They lived in a trailer because they moved around a lot for his job. When they came back home, they parked their trailer in the lot my parents owned right next to my house. They had just welcomed a new baby girl into their family a few weeks prior to moving back to North Idaho, making them a family of five (with three girls). With her husband unemployed and them having a brand-new baby girl, you could say that both of them underwent a lot of stress and anxiety. He finally was able to get a job, but his work was very emotionally toxic. His coworkers would make fun of him for his mental struggles and abilities. It got so bad at one point he had to be institutionalized for his health and their family moved into my house. While my sister was constantly going to doctors' appointments to figure out how to help her husband, my parents stepped in to watch their kids. Not only was this extremely difficult for their family, but it also affected our family as a whole. Thankfully, we were all able to come together to help them until eventually, he was able to get the medical help he desperately needed, and their family could get back on their feet again. 

I'm grateful for the trials and difficulties in our lives because it helps us to grow and become more like God.

Sexual Intimacy Within a Marriage

 Hi! Welcome back to my blog! This week I'm going to talk about a more difficult and/or touchy subject than most, sex. More specifically, sexual intimacy in marriage. 

I first want to discuss the differences between male and female arousal. Interestingly, sex is most pleasurable for men at around the ages of eighteen to nineteen and thirty to thirty-five for women. What an age difference right! I also want to point out that young men who serve full-time missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are eligible to leave when they turn eighteen years of age. I definitely do not think that is a coincidence. Anyways, most of the time, women need more time to become sexually aroused to prepare for sex. It's a lot faster for men to be "in the mood" than it is for women, which makes sense because sex is not the same for each gender. For men, it's external and for women, it's internal. Women also need to feel safe, warm, and close to their husbands before they engage in sex. Men, on the other hand, want to have sex with their wives to feel safe, warm, and close to them. These differences can create a list of problems and benefits for the couple. 

One problem that could occur with sexual differences is a lack of understanding of each other. Particularly with couples who have only been sexually intimate with each other because they do not have much experience and/or understanding of sexual intimacy. For example, a woman might be frustrated with her husband, thinking he just wants her body because he wants to have sex with her all the time. He might feel that she doesn't love him because she doesn't want to have sex with him. When, in reality, he wants to have sex with her to feel safe and close to her. On the flip side, another problem with sexual differences in genders is that the more sexual partners you have, the harder to receive an emotional connection with someone. These are just a few examples. 

Even though there are problems that result from sexual differences, there are plenty of benefits as well. It gives couples an opportunity to work together and creates an intimate bond between them. Married couples are supposed to be of one flesh and one heart as commanded by God. So, I think he gave us the ability to procreate to fulfill this commandment. Some other benefits are being able to drop boundaries with one another and reduce stress and even disease. But I think the most important of all is that it creates a space for unselfishness for the couple because they focus on each other's needs before their own. This reminds me of a scripture in the New Testament, where the apostle, Paul is answering specific questions about marriage.

1 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 4 says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the wife unto the husband."

I know many people would probably disagree with this scripture, but I think it means that a husband's body and parts are not supposed to be for his own benefit, but for the benefit of his wife. Likewise, a wife's body and parts are not supposed to be for her own benefit, but for the benefit of her husband. 

I think the greatest thing I learned this week about sexual intimacy in a marriage is to think of sex as a precious gift given to you by your spouse. A kind of gift this intimate should only be opened with the one who gave it to you. You want to unwrap it slowly and carefully, taking as much time as you need. 

Sexual intimacy is extremely sacred and precious (in my opinion), and you should be careful who you share it with. 

Engagement, The Wedding, and Marriage

 "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder, tooday."

You all know that time in the relationship when you start looking at engagement rings online, talk about your wedding, and basically plan out your life together. Yup, it's time for the proposal. This is a very crucial time in the relationship, because, when things get difficult later on in the marriage, the woman tends to look back on the start of their relationship. Nowadays, a proposal is more of a negotiation than a declaration of your love and commitment to someone. It's all staged and planned out to be super extravagant and romantic. I see it time and time again. A proposal doesn't have to be this crazy scheme put together with 1,000 rose petals and an orchestra. It should just be a sweet intimate moment between the couple, otherwise, it's just for show. And that's just the proposal, not even the wedding. 

Ok, now that you're engaged, it's time to start planning the big day! But how are you going to get all that money? A typical wedding costs about 28,000 dollars. That's A LOT of money, especially for a young couple who is more than likely still in school. Couples could delay education, marriage, buying a house, or even having kids because of how expensive weddings are. More than likely, the parents are going to pay for the bulk of the wedding. Out of the two, who do you think is going to be planning the wedding? It's probably going to be the girl. Most girls dream and begin planning their wedding when they are around five years old. Do you know who probably is going to help them plan the wedding? Their mother, not their future spouse. 

A lot of people think engagement is the time to plan a wedding. In reality, engagement includes not only planning a wedding but planning a marriage as well. Things like budgeting, talking about different roles each partner will play, and changing relationships with other people; maybe letting go of some old friends, especially those of the opposite gender. What if loved ones, friends, and/or the community helped out with the cost of the wedding, rather than expecting them to pay for it all themselves? Makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Now, when the wedding's over, most couples think the hardest part is over. That couldn't be further from the truth. Marriage isn't all rainbows and unicorns, it's hard work. There are many unexpected adjustments couples make in their first month of marriage. Some examples are eating habits, sleeping together, sharing bathroom space, level of cleanliness, organization, amount of laundry, communication, and roles that need to be given (jobs, household chores, reminders for prayer/scripture study, finances). It's important to communicate these things during the engagement period, not after you're already married. 

There are many unexpected adjustments during the first year of marriage as well. One of the most common ones is addressing each other's needs like they did at the beginning of a marriage. Another, that can happen in the first year is a life-changing event, having a baby. In fact, satisfaction within a marriage decreases when the first child is born. This is because they spend more time focused on the baby and its needs, rather than each other. This happens when each child is born and gradually increases when each kid leaves the house. 

Marriage was never meant to be easy, but it was meant to be worth it! It'll take time and effort, but the rewards and benefits will be far greater than anything you can imagine. Eternal marriage is the greatest gift God could give to us.

See you next week!! :) 

Preparing for Marriage: Dating

 "Oh my gosh!!! You'll never guess what happened, mom!"

"What!?!" 

"One of the guys from my science class asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend!"

"Oh, that's exciting! What are you guys going to do?"

"I don't know, probably just get some food and watch a movie at his apartment."

Hello everyone!! Welcome back to my blog! I'm very excited
 to talk about, yep you guessed it, dating and preparing for marriage! This couldn't have come at a better time, with Valentine's Day being next week! 

So, what does dating mean? Does it even matter? It feels like everyone these days never go on "dates" anymore, they just "hang out." But what's the difference between the two? I learned that the difference is HUGE, and it not only affects your courtship but also your marriage as well. See, when you go out on a date, you're paired off with a planned activity typically paid for. When you hang out with somebody, typically you don't plan much about what you are going to do and it's confusing to know what the other person wants or how they feel about you. You usually end up doing the same things when you hang out with someone as well, like watching a movie on the couch. How does that prepare you for marriage? I think we could all agree that the end goal of dating is to eventually get married. Having these planned, pared off, and paid for activities prepares you to preside, protect and provide while in a marriage. Yes, dating does take some effort! But the reward is worth it. What is the end goal of hanging out with someone? To hang out with them again, I guess. 

The next question to ask yourself is, how should I date or go about dating then? The best and probably most effective type of dating is going on many dates with lots of different people and personalities. This will give you a better idea of the kind of person you want to date and what personalities you get along best with. Once you've gone on a good number of dates with different people, you can begin to narrow down the list of people by seeing who you got along with best and maybe go on another date with these "chosen ones" you could call them. Overall, you would want to marry your best friend, or at least I want to!

The best steps to take toward marriage begin with dating. Once you find someone you really like and want to date exclusively, you take a step further and, as they say in the olden days, "court" them or, in other words, go steady with them. The next two steps are pretty obvious, engagement and then finally, marriage. People tend to slide into marriage instead of taking these steps slowly and working toward marriage. A lot of the time, that's why people struggle within their marriage, by not taking these steps more slowly. Everyone wants to fall in love and not necessarily work toward love. But remember, you can fall out of love just as easily as you can fall in love.  

The best ways to have a happy and healthy marriage are to one, carefully select a person based on important values, have a great amount of unselfishness (forgetting yourself and service your significant other), and continue courting each other when you are married (expressing your affection to one another). 

I hope you all have been able to change your perspective on dating and marriage, just a little bit. I know I have! I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day and remember, even if you think no one else does, God really loves you!!

Gender and Family Life

Hello everyone! Welcome back to my blog!! This post is going to handle a more difficult subject than most, gender. Honestly, I've been pretty nervous about posting this, but I feel like I have gained a whole new perspective on this particular topic. So, let's get into it, shall we?

The big question is, does gender/sex matter? Why or why not? 

First, we need to look at feminine versus masculine roles. Females tend to develop more quickly, are more nurturing, their communication develops faster, participate in more cooperative play, are relationship-oriented, look more for details, and have better fine motor skills. Whereas males or masculine roles tend to have a bigger startle response, are more violent and destructive, participate in more competitive play, have better gross motor skills, and are more spatial oriented. Of course, not every male and female fit into these categories, and lots of people think those who don't are "different". In reality, these people are atypical for their gender and not typical. People who are atypical often get labeled within the LGBTQ+ community. If they don't look or act normal in the roles of men and women, they are judged because we live in a hypersexualized society. 

For example, if a father and mother notice their six-year-old boy is wanting to play with dolls in a barbie house, they would immediately be worried about him becoming gay because he is not "being boy enough" or acting like other boys his age. But that doesn't mean he's going to become gay; it just means he is atypical for his gender. 

In my personal opinion, gender/sex does matter, especially within a family. Last week I talked about different gender roles in a family, and how important each one is. We need these gender roles to create an optimal family unit everyone wants to have. Coming from a religious standpoint, I know gender is essential in God's plan for us and that our gender was predetermined before coming to Earth. That being said, I do believe people struggle with having feelings for the same gender. There are many different theories as to why men are homosexual or have homosexual feelings. Sometimes they claim to be "born this way" meaning they say their sexual orientation has to do with biology. Interestingly enough, a study was done with twins, to test if this theory was actually true or not. The theory is if one of the twins is gay, then the other twin should be gay 100 percent of the time because they have the same genetics. The data should that only about 7-11% of the time was the other twin gay, showing sexual preference is not biological. Another theory is the social model these people grow up with. A lot of the time these men have poor relationships with their father and their mother tends to swoop in and smother them, giving them a different perspective and opinions of gender. A really sad but common reason for men to be homosexual is their trauma response. An article, I read said that the average age of gay men who have been sexually abused is around the age of 12. Confusing these boys about what their feelings truly mean towards the same and opposite gender. The last comes down to having free will to determine their sexual orientation. 

 I learned this week that some people who are homosexual do not want to have those feelings in the first place (a lot of these feelings can come from social models and trauma responses). They want nothing more than to have a family of their own and they don't understand why they feel this way. Some of them are able to overcome or identify why they feel this way. One important thing I hope you would take away from this is that people who are homosexual don't always just choose to have those feelings or even want them. Gender, no matter what you identify as, matters. And most importantly, whoever you are or what your opinion is, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. 

See you next week! :)