Divorce

 Well, the time has finally come...my last blog post. I can't believe how much I've learned and grown these last three months. From gender roles, dating, communication, and family crisis, to culture, family work, sexual intimacy, and adjustments to marriage.  I have covered a lot about families and how people function in a family. The only thing left I wanted to talk about is what I'm assuming and hoping no one wants from marriage: divorce. 

When a couple gets engaged and married, I'm pretty sure they have no intentions of splitting up; their overall goal is to stay married and committed to one another. Sadly, this isn't the case for most couples. In the United States alone, twenty-two percent of women get divorced at least once and twenty-two percent of men get divorced at least once in their lifetime.

So, why do people get divorced?

Of course, it depends on the couple, their relationship, and their circumstances. Some common examples are things I previously talked about on this blog, like a lack of good communication skills, finances, new challenges that come with marriage, adding in children, or even different goals and dreams in life. You thought I was going to mention cheating, weren't you? Actually, infidelity is not the most common reason for divorce. You know how if you asked a woman what she would do if her significant other cheated on her, she would most likely say something like, "I would divorce his sorry butt! It's a complete dealbreaker, you can't come back from that." When in reality, 63% of people try to save their marriage if one of them cheats on the other. Of the 63%, 50% say that succeeded in saving their marriage, AND that it created a better marriage later for them. This was probably the most shocking thing I learned this week!

A common reason for divorce, offered by BYU-Idaho students, says, "It wasn't fun like I thought it would be." Of course, marriage isn't going to be easy! Anything that is worth something is going to be difficult. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? This is why it is absolutely CRITICAL to learn how to communicate with each other before you tie the knot and really get to know the person you are going to be spending your life with. You need to be able to see them at their best and their worst, observing how they deal with stress and hardships. 70% of people who rate their marriage "very unsatisfactory" change their rating to "satisfactory" or "very satisfactory" if they remain in their marriage for the next five years. Loving someone tasks work, marriage takes work. Most people just don't want to put in the effort to resolve issues and struggles within their marriages. Another interesting statistic that proves this claim is that 70% of divorcees regret divorce (within 2 years of getting the divorce). If you accept that marriage isn't always going to be all butterflies and rainbows and that you will put in the effort to work through the hard times, your marriage will be the greatest blessing in your life. 

I'd love to end with this quote from one of the previous presidents of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

"Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

Thank you for reading my blog and I hope you were able to take something away from what I've learned about family relations. I know family truly is the most important thing on this Earth and is the greatest gift God has given us! :)

Parenting

 Hello everyone! Another week, another blog post!! This week I want to discuss some of the things I've learned about parenting.

What is the purpose of parenting? Is there more than one purpose? I think the purpose of parenting is to raise your children to prepare them for life, by teaching them how to make their own choices (and learn from the consequences), teaching correct principles, and showing your love and respect for them. Parents are responsible for protecting, providing, and preparing their kids for this world we live in, including the present day, the future, and their individual adulthood. 

Children all have needs. These basic needs are so important to these children's development. Parents are responsible for providing their children with these needs. These needs are crucial for their development and if they aren't met, kids will take mistaken approaches to satisfy the needs they don't receive from their parents. Let's show some examples, shall we?

The need for contact/belonging is HUGE for a child's development. A parent should offer and provide this contact freely. If the child doesn't receive this contact, they could try and get it by seeking extra attention. I've seen this a lot in my own family. I have twelve nieces and nephews and the same thing tends to happen when a new baby is born into their family. Almost all of my sibling's time and energy is spent tending to their new, helpless baby. Their other child gets significantly less attention than they once had, so, to get it back, they will throw tantrums, break rules, or just even scream at the top of their lungs. That last one gets the attention of everyone in the room, not just their parents. 

Another need parents should give their kids is protection. If they don't get the proper teachings of danger and assertiveness, they could try and get protection from another source, one that could potentially harm them, not help them. Children need a challenge, to help them grow and learn from hard things. The parents should help and encourage skill-building from these challenges. If not given, the child could get involved in risk-taking when challenges arise. They also need to learn how to withdraw from things without completely giving up on them. Parents should teach their children to take wise breaks from these activities. The child alone would most likely approach it by just completely avoiding the activity and/or responsibility. The last need I wanted to discuss was power. Parents could respond by offering them choices (that are age-appropriate and situation-appropriate) + the consequences of those choices and helping them develop responsibility. Sadly though, most of the time, parents will try to protect their children from harm, unfairness, and sadness by stepping in and dealing with the consequences of the child's choices themselves. This won't teach them responsibility or help them to grow when they do make mistakes.  Children's mistaken approaches to getting power could be open rebellion against others or trying to control people, either being bad options. 

The overall goal of parenting is to have children develop responsibility and to teach them assertiveness and forgiveness. These kids won't be able to do it on their own, they need (most of all) their parents. No wonder people say that parenting will be the most important job you will ever have. It's a huge responsibility, but you are not alone! There are loved ones here and loved ones who have passed on that can and will help you in this journey called parenting. I am grateful for the opportunity to raise children and have a family one day and I hope you feel the same way! Have a great weekend and stay safe!!

Fathers, Finances, and Family Work

 Happy (almost) St. Patrick's Day!! It's time to talk about the three F's: fathers, finances, and family work. Specifically, a father's role within the family, what family work is and the effects it leaves on the family, and finances in family life. When it comes to money and income, do you have the luck of the Irish? Sorry I had to do it. 

What is the role of a father in a family? What influence do they have on the family? The role of a father in a family is obviously different from that of a mother's role. Fathers are usually the provider of the family, earning the most income from working. Mothers typically focus more on nurturing the child and focusing on their emotions. Fathers tend to focus on getting them out into the world, giving them more of a "tough love." Looking back on my childhood, whenever I was feeling sad or upset about something, I would typically go to my mom for a shoulder to cry on and/or advice. She, of course, would validate my feelings and try to make me feel better. If I had a question

about something I didn't know how to do or wanted help with, I would go to my dad. He would provide me with a more realistic view of life and showed me that all these things I was learning were preparing me for life. I think that even though the roles of a father are different, they are much needed! Who then, is in charge of the finances in a family?

When it comes to money, most of us probably want that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. However, that is not realistic for most families. Almost every person struggles financially at some point in their life. What influence does finance have on the family? What influences does the family put upon work and financial demands? Finance usually has a tremendous influence on a family because you need money to live. It puts a lot of stress on the husband and wife to be able to provide for their family. In fact, around 70% of divorces result from financial concerns. To bring in more money, couples will try to receive a dual income just to make ends meet. I feel there is an abundant amount of pressure for women to have a career/job, as well as raise a family. 

For me, I find that my family, friends, and society, in general, expect me to be more than a housewife and mother to my future children. I remember this one day in high school when my friend group was having a conversation about what we wanted to do in the future and what career path we wanted to go down. When it was my turn to share, I said that I do want to go to college and earn a degree, but more importantly, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother for my kids as they are growing up. One of my friends said something along the lines of, "You know that's not a real job right Caitlin? It's not practical. You need to have a real job." That really hurt me because I believe that being a mother is a full-time job. My education is more to me than just making money and getting a job. 

Work is more than just having a 9 to 5, there's such a thing called "family work." Family work is the everyday, normal, work that sustains life. Some of these include vacuuming, taking out the trash, doing laundry, and dishes, making food, taking care of the sick, etc. These daily tasks make up the work a family does on a daily basis. These chores give families the opportunity to work together and show one another their love and respect for each other. 

I hope you enjoyed my little rant about the family (as usual) and I hope you took something away that's worth more than any pot of gold. See you next week!

Communication With Others

 Hi and welcome back to another blog! I love the topic for this week and am really excited to share my thoughts! So, let's just get right into it :)

What do you think is the most challenging thing within a marriage? What about relationships in general? If you said communication, you'd be right! But wait, shouldn't communication be one of the easiest things? Well, it should be, but the easier it is to do something (like communicating), the more likely it is you will be lax about it, and it will progressively get worse. Think about it. When you are frustrated with someone, do you expect them to know you are upset and why even if you haven't said anything to them? I am 100% guilty of this. But why is communication so tough? 

There are many reasons why communication is complex. It could be because of the cultural influence you were surrounded by growing up. So, if you were to say, marry someone from a different cultural background, they wouldn't understand that puckering your lips meant you were pointing at something when they thought it meant you wanted a kiss. A lot of the time (mainly for women), emotions can take over and completely blind reason and rationality. You just can't think straight, and you tend to get pretty defensive. This leads me to another point, selfishness. For me, I just assume that my friends and family know me so well that they can read my mind/know what I'm thinking. I get annoyed when they don't know what I'm feeling or thinking, which is completely unfair to them. Everyone has their own way of communicating, but that doesn't mean you get to be selfish, thinking only of your feelings. You should speak so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood by others.

Using words isn't even the biggest form of communication believe it or not! If I were to break it up into different categories, adding up to 100% it would look a little something like this.

Words = 14%

Tone = 35%

Non-Verbal = 51%

Kinda crazy right! Our body language and facial expressions really say a lot about how we are feeling and what we are thinking. The tone of how we say things reminds me of texting. No matter how many emojis, exclamation points, or GIFs we use, people can still misinterpret our messages through the phone because there's no way to text someone the tone of what we are saying. Texting something like, "Hey, you looked really good today!" could be genuine or completely sarcastic and rude. So how can we improve or fix our communication skills?

There are five effective ways of communication. The disarming technique, empathy, inquiry, "I feel" statements, and stroking. The disarming technique is when you find and state the kernel of truth in a statement. An example of this would be someone saying, "You're always late and I'm so sick and tired of waiting for you!" The truth in that statement is that you are late a lot, and this person has a right to be angry with you. You address this truth with them, and it makes the other person feel heard and understood. Empathy includes thoughts (repeating back what the other person has said) and feelings (emotions). Inquiry is just a fancy word for checking another person's understanding of a situation. "I feel" statements are pretty self-explanatory. Stroking is authentically admiring and appreciating the other person you are communicating with.

I promise that using these ways of communicating will drastically improve how you communicate with others. Your relationships will grow, and you will be happier! I'll see you next week!

Family Crisis

 Stress. Everyone has it at one point or another. Is it good or is it bad? In some cases, stress can be a good motivator and can push you to get outside of your comfort zone. On the other hand, too much stress can lead to other things such as anxiety and depression. What about within a family? This week I want to talk about stress within a family and what happens when a crisis occurs. 

Stress in a family can come from many different factors: a job layoff, an unexpected doctor's visit, or a big move across the country just to name a few. These things of course are not ideal, but they do happen. It's very different from a crisis though. Interestingly, the meaning of the word crisis in Chinese is danger and opportunity. A weird way to look at it right? I think it's beautiful because a crisis could be looked at as dangerous, but it can also be a learning opportunity that brings you closer as a family. You are able to bond with one another in ways you couldn't if something like this didn't happen, by forcing you to work together to fix and/or get through this hurdle.  

Imagine you just married last year and found out you were pregnant a few months ago. Everything is going according to plan. You have your baby girl, and she is happy and healthy. One night suddenly, your baby dies from SIDS. You wake up to find your baby motionless and pale in her crib. Surprisingly, this is a lot more common than you might think. Absolutely devastating for this new family. How do you think they are feeling? The mother would most likely blame herself and say it was all her fault. That if she only would've looked in the baby's room before going to bed, she could have prevented it. She would probably think she is an absolutely terrible mother and would be scared to try and have another baby. The father of course would completely be heartbroken and maybe unsure of how to comfort his wife. He may even blame himself for what happened. This could drive a wedge between the couple and their communication could completely decline. 

A few years ago, my sister and her husband went through a really hard time. He had just lost his job in Oklahoma, so they moved back to my hometown. They lived in a trailer because they moved around a lot for his job. When they came back home, they parked their trailer in the lot my parents owned right next to my house. They had just welcomed a new baby girl into their family a few weeks prior to moving back to North Idaho, making them a family of five (with three girls). With her husband unemployed and them having a brand-new baby girl, you could say that both of them underwent a lot of stress and anxiety. He finally was able to get a job, but his work was very emotionally toxic. His coworkers would make fun of him for his mental struggles and abilities. It got so bad at one point he had to be institutionalized for his health and their family moved into my house. While my sister was constantly going to doctors' appointments to figure out how to help her husband, my parents stepped in to watch their kids. Not only was this extremely difficult for their family, but it also affected our family as a whole. Thankfully, we were all able to come together to help them until eventually, he was able to get the medical help he desperately needed, and their family could get back on their feet again. 

I'm grateful for the trials and difficulties in our lives because it helps us to grow and become more like God.

Sexual Intimacy Within a Marriage

 Hi! Welcome back to my blog! This week I'm going to talk about a more difficult and/or touchy subject than most, sex. More specifically, sexual intimacy in marriage. 

I first want to discuss the differences between male and female arousal. Interestingly, sex is most pleasurable for men at around the ages of eighteen to nineteen and thirty to thirty-five for women. What an age difference right! I also want to point out that young men who serve full-time missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are eligible to leave when they turn eighteen years of age. I definitely do not think that is a coincidence. Anyways, most of the time, women need more time to become sexually aroused to prepare for sex. It's a lot faster for men to be "in the mood" than it is for women, which makes sense because sex is not the same for each gender. For men, it's external and for women, it's internal. Women also need to feel safe, warm, and close to their husbands before they engage in sex. Men, on the other hand, want to have sex with their wives to feel safe, warm, and close to them. These differences can create a list of problems and benefits for the couple. 

One problem that could occur with sexual differences is a lack of understanding of each other. Particularly with couples who have only been sexually intimate with each other because they do not have much experience and/or understanding of sexual intimacy. For example, a woman might be frustrated with her husband, thinking he just wants her body because he wants to have sex with her all the time. He might feel that she doesn't love him because she doesn't want to have sex with him. When, in reality, he wants to have sex with her to feel safe and close to her. On the flip side, another problem with sexual differences in genders is that the more sexual partners you have, the harder to receive an emotional connection with someone. These are just a few examples. 

Even though there are problems that result from sexual differences, there are plenty of benefits as well. It gives couples an opportunity to work together and creates an intimate bond between them. Married couples are supposed to be of one flesh and one heart as commanded by God. So, I think he gave us the ability to procreate to fulfill this commandment. Some other benefits are being able to drop boundaries with one another and reduce stress and even disease. But I think the most important of all is that it creates a space for unselfishness for the couple because they focus on each other's needs before their own. This reminds me of a scripture in the New Testament, where the apostle, Paul is answering specific questions about marriage.

1 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 4 says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the wife unto the husband."

I know many people would probably disagree with this scripture, but I think it means that a husband's body and parts are not supposed to be for his own benefit, but for the benefit of his wife. Likewise, a wife's body and parts are not supposed to be for her own benefit, but for the benefit of her husband. 

I think the greatest thing I learned this week about sexual intimacy in a marriage is to think of sex as a precious gift given to you by your spouse. A kind of gift this intimate should only be opened with the one who gave it to you. You want to unwrap it slowly and carefully, taking as much time as you need. 

Sexual intimacy is extremely sacred and precious (in my opinion), and you should be careful who you share it with. 

Engagement, The Wedding, and Marriage

 "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder, tooday."

You all know that time in the relationship when you start looking at engagement rings online, talk about your wedding, and basically plan out your life together. Yup, it's time for the proposal. This is a very crucial time in the relationship, because, when things get difficult later on in the marriage, the woman tends to look back on the start of their relationship. Nowadays, a proposal is more of a negotiation than a declaration of your love and commitment to someone. It's all staged and planned out to be super extravagant and romantic. I see it time and time again. A proposal doesn't have to be this crazy scheme put together with 1,000 rose petals and an orchestra. It should just be a sweet intimate moment between the couple, otherwise, it's just for show. And that's just the proposal, not even the wedding. 

Ok, now that you're engaged, it's time to start planning the big day! But how are you going to get all that money? A typical wedding costs about 28,000 dollars. That's A LOT of money, especially for a young couple who is more than likely still in school. Couples could delay education, marriage, buying a house, or even having kids because of how expensive weddings are. More than likely, the parents are going to pay for the bulk of the wedding. Out of the two, who do you think is going to be planning the wedding? It's probably going to be the girl. Most girls dream and begin planning their wedding when they are around five years old. Do you know who probably is going to help them plan the wedding? Their mother, not their future spouse. 

A lot of people think engagement is the time to plan a wedding. In reality, engagement includes not only planning a wedding but planning a marriage as well. Things like budgeting, talking about different roles each partner will play, and changing relationships with other people; maybe letting go of some old friends, especially those of the opposite gender. What if loved ones, friends, and/or the community helped out with the cost of the wedding, rather than expecting them to pay for it all themselves? Makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Now, when the wedding's over, most couples think the hardest part is over. That couldn't be further from the truth. Marriage isn't all rainbows and unicorns, it's hard work. There are many unexpected adjustments couples make in their first month of marriage. Some examples are eating habits, sleeping together, sharing bathroom space, level of cleanliness, organization, amount of laundry, communication, and roles that need to be given (jobs, household chores, reminders for prayer/scripture study, finances). It's important to communicate these things during the engagement period, not after you're already married. 

There are many unexpected adjustments during the first year of marriage as well. One of the most common ones is addressing each other's needs like they did at the beginning of a marriage. Another, that can happen in the first year is a life-changing event, having a baby. In fact, satisfaction within a marriage decreases when the first child is born. This is because they spend more time focused on the baby and its needs, rather than each other. This happens when each child is born and gradually increases when each kid leaves the house. 

Marriage was never meant to be easy, but it was meant to be worth it! It'll take time and effort, but the rewards and benefits will be far greater than anything you can imagine. Eternal marriage is the greatest gift God could give to us.

See you next week!! :)