Sexual Intimacy Within a Marriage

 Hi! Welcome back to my blog! This week I'm going to talk about a more difficult and/or touchy subject than most, sex. More specifically, sexual intimacy in marriage. 

I first want to discuss the differences between male and female arousal. Interestingly, sex is most pleasurable for men at around the ages of eighteen to nineteen and thirty to thirty-five for women. What an age difference right! I also want to point out that young men who serve full-time missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are eligible to leave when they turn eighteen years of age. I definitely do not think that is a coincidence. Anyways, most of the time, women need more time to become sexually aroused to prepare for sex. It's a lot faster for men to be "in the mood" than it is for women, which makes sense because sex is not the same for each gender. For men, it's external and for women, it's internal. Women also need to feel safe, warm, and close to their husbands before they engage in sex. Men, on the other hand, want to have sex with their wives to feel safe, warm, and close to them. These differences can create a list of problems and benefits for the couple. 

One problem that could occur with sexual differences is a lack of understanding of each other. Particularly with couples who have only been sexually intimate with each other because they do not have much experience and/or understanding of sexual intimacy. For example, a woman might be frustrated with her husband, thinking he just wants her body because he wants to have sex with her all the time. He might feel that she doesn't love him because she doesn't want to have sex with him. When, in reality, he wants to have sex with her to feel safe and close to her. On the flip side, another problem with sexual differences in genders is that the more sexual partners you have, the harder to receive an emotional connection with someone. These are just a few examples. 

Even though there are problems that result from sexual differences, there are plenty of benefits as well. It gives couples an opportunity to work together and creates an intimate bond between them. Married couples are supposed to be of one flesh and one heart as commanded by God. So, I think he gave us the ability to procreate to fulfill this commandment. Some other benefits are being able to drop boundaries with one another and reduce stress and even disease. But I think the most important of all is that it creates a space for unselfishness for the couple because they focus on each other's needs before their own. This reminds me of a scripture in the New Testament, where the apostle, Paul is answering specific questions about marriage.

1 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 4 says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the wife unto the husband."

I know many people would probably disagree with this scripture, but I think it means that a husband's body and parts are not supposed to be for his own benefit, but for the benefit of his wife. Likewise, a wife's body and parts are not supposed to be for her own benefit, but for the benefit of her husband. 

I think the greatest thing I learned this week about sexual intimacy in a marriage is to think of sex as a precious gift given to you by your spouse. A kind of gift this intimate should only be opened with the one who gave it to you. You want to unwrap it slowly and carefully, taking as much time as you need. 

Sexual intimacy is extremely sacred and precious (in my opinion), and you should be careful who you share it with. 

Engagement, The Wedding, and Marriage

 "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder, tooday."

You all know that time in the relationship when you start looking at engagement rings online, talk about your wedding, and basically plan out your life together. Yup, it's time for the proposal. This is a very crucial time in the relationship, because, when things get difficult later on in the marriage, the woman tends to look back on the start of their relationship. Nowadays, a proposal is more of a negotiation than a declaration of your love and commitment to someone. It's all staged and planned out to be super extravagant and romantic. I see it time and time again. A proposal doesn't have to be this crazy scheme put together with 1,000 rose petals and an orchestra. It should just be a sweet intimate moment between the couple, otherwise, it's just for show. And that's just the proposal, not even the wedding. 

Ok, now that you're engaged, it's time to start planning the big day! But how are you going to get all that money? A typical wedding costs about 28,000 dollars. That's A LOT of money, especially for a young couple who is more than likely still in school. Couples could delay education, marriage, buying a house, or even having kids because of how expensive weddings are. More than likely, the parents are going to pay for the bulk of the wedding. Out of the two, who do you think is going to be planning the wedding? It's probably going to be the girl. Most girls dream and begin planning their wedding when they are around five years old. Do you know who probably is going to help them plan the wedding? Their mother, not their future spouse. 

A lot of people think engagement is the time to plan a wedding. In reality, engagement includes not only planning a wedding but planning a marriage as well. Things like budgeting, talking about different roles each partner will play, and changing relationships with other people; maybe letting go of some old friends, especially those of the opposite gender. What if loved ones, friends, and/or the community helped out with the cost of the wedding, rather than expecting them to pay for it all themselves? Makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Now, when the wedding's over, most couples think the hardest part is over. That couldn't be further from the truth. Marriage isn't all rainbows and unicorns, it's hard work. There are many unexpected adjustments couples make in their first month of marriage. Some examples are eating habits, sleeping together, sharing bathroom space, level of cleanliness, organization, amount of laundry, communication, and roles that need to be given (jobs, household chores, reminders for prayer/scripture study, finances). It's important to communicate these things during the engagement period, not after you're already married. 

There are many unexpected adjustments during the first year of marriage as well. One of the most common ones is addressing each other's needs like they did at the beginning of a marriage. Another, that can happen in the first year is a life-changing event, having a baby. In fact, satisfaction within a marriage decreases when the first child is born. This is because they spend more time focused on the baby and its needs, rather than each other. This happens when each child is born and gradually increases when each kid leaves the house. 

Marriage was never meant to be easy, but it was meant to be worth it! It'll take time and effort, but the rewards and benefits will be far greater than anything you can imagine. Eternal marriage is the greatest gift God could give to us.

See you next week!! :) 

Preparing for Marriage: Dating

 "Oh my gosh!!! You'll never guess what happened, mom!"

"What!?!" 

"One of the guys from my science class asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend!"

"Oh, that's exciting! What are you guys going to do?"

"I don't know, probably just get some food and watch a movie at his apartment."

Hello everyone!! Welcome back to my blog! I'm very excited
 to talk about, yep you guessed it, dating and preparing for marriage! This couldn't have come at a better time, with Valentine's Day being next week! 

So, what does dating mean? Does it even matter? It feels like everyone these days never go on "dates" anymore, they just "hang out." But what's the difference between the two? I learned that the difference is HUGE, and it not only affects your courtship but also your marriage as well. See, when you go out on a date, you're paired off with a planned activity typically paid for. When you hang out with somebody, typically you don't plan much about what you are going to do and it's confusing to know what the other person wants or how they feel about you. You usually end up doing the same things when you hang out with someone as well, like watching a movie on the couch. How does that prepare you for marriage? I think we could all agree that the end goal of dating is to eventually get married. Having these planned, pared off, and paid for activities prepares you to preside, protect and provide while in a marriage. Yes, dating does take some effort! But the reward is worth it. What is the end goal of hanging out with someone? To hang out with them again, I guess. 

The next question to ask yourself is, how should I date or go about dating then? The best and probably most effective type of dating is going on many dates with lots of different people and personalities. This will give you a better idea of the kind of person you want to date and what personalities you get along best with. Once you've gone on a good number of dates with different people, you can begin to narrow down the list of people by seeing who you got along with best and maybe go on another date with these "chosen ones" you could call them. Overall, you would want to marry your best friend, or at least I want to!

The best steps to take toward marriage begin with dating. Once you find someone you really like and want to date exclusively, you take a step further and, as they say in the olden days, "court" them or, in other words, go steady with them. The next two steps are pretty obvious, engagement and then finally, marriage. People tend to slide into marriage instead of taking these steps slowly and working toward marriage. A lot of the time, that's why people struggle within their marriage, by not taking these steps more slowly. Everyone wants to fall in love and not necessarily work toward love. But remember, you can fall out of love just as easily as you can fall in love.  

The best ways to have a happy and healthy marriage are to one, carefully select a person based on important values, have a great amount of unselfishness (forgetting yourself and service your significant other), and continue courting each other when you are married (expressing your affection to one another). 

I hope you all have been able to change your perspective on dating and marriage, just a little bit. I know I have! I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day and remember, even if you think no one else does, God really loves you!!

Gender and Family Life

Hello everyone! Welcome back to my blog!! This post is going to handle a more difficult subject than most, gender. Honestly, I've been pretty nervous about posting this, but I feel like I have gained a whole new perspective on this particular topic. So, let's get into it, shall we?

The big question is, does gender/sex matter? Why or why not? 

First, we need to look at feminine versus masculine roles. Females tend to develop more quickly, are more nurturing, their communication develops faster, participate in more cooperative play, are relationship-oriented, look more for details, and have better fine motor skills. Whereas males or masculine roles tend to have a bigger startle response, are more violent and destructive, participate in more competitive play, have better gross motor skills, and are more spatial oriented. Of course, not every male and female fit into these categories, and lots of people think those who don't are "different". In reality, these people are atypical for their gender and not typical. People who are atypical often get labeled within the LGBTQ+ community. If they don't look or act normal in the roles of men and women, they are judged because we live in a hypersexualized society. 

For example, if a father and mother notice their six-year-old boy is wanting to play with dolls in a barbie house, they would immediately be worried about him becoming gay because he is not "being boy enough" or acting like other boys his age. But that doesn't mean he's going to become gay; it just means he is atypical for his gender. 

In my personal opinion, gender/sex does matter, especially within a family. Last week I talked about different gender roles in a family, and how important each one is. We need these gender roles to create an optimal family unit everyone wants to have. Coming from a religious standpoint, I know gender is essential in God's plan for us and that our gender was predetermined before coming to Earth. That being said, I do believe people struggle with having feelings for the same gender. There are many different theories as to why men are homosexual or have homosexual feelings. Sometimes they claim to be "born this way" meaning they say their sexual orientation has to do with biology. Interestingly enough, a study was done with twins, to test if this theory was actually true or not. The theory is if one of the twins is gay, then the other twin should be gay 100 percent of the time because they have the same genetics. The data should that only about 7-11% of the time was the other twin gay, showing sexual preference is not biological. Another theory is the social model these people grow up with. A lot of the time these men have poor relationships with their father and their mother tends to swoop in and smother them, giving them a different perspective and opinions of gender. A really sad but common reason for men to be homosexual is their trauma response. An article, I read said that the average age of gay men who have been sexually abused is around the age of 12. Confusing these boys about what their feelings truly mean towards the same and opposite gender. The last comes down to having free will to determine their sexual orientation. 

 I learned this week that some people who are homosexual do not want to have those feelings in the first place (a lot of these feelings can come from social models and trauma responses). They want nothing more than to have a family of their own and they don't understand why they feel this way. Some of them are able to overcome or identify why they feel this way. One important thing I hope you would take away from this is that people who are homosexual don't always just choose to have those feelings or even want them. Gender, no matter what you identify as, matters. And most importantly, whoever you are or what your opinion is, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. 

See you next week! :)

Culture & Status

 Culture is a way of life. Every family has their own unique beliefs, values, and traditions (culture) within the walls of their homes. It doesn't necessarily matter where people are from, culture can describe the relationships and dynamics within a family. These traditions can be passed down from generation to generation, such as having a game night once a week, or they can be created within minutes. The question is, what is your family culture? 

I've been thinking a lot this week about the family culture I grew up with, and it's honestly been kind of hard to pinpoint the exact way to explain it, but I'm going to try. First of all, each person in my family are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, so our religion played a significant role in our family culture. My siblings and I knew our place and what our parents expected of us. There were clear expectations and rules within the home; if we didn't follow them, there were consequences. We always have supported one another and have been there for each other when we struggled. I felt like, even though I am the youngest, I could go to my siblings for anything, and I knew they would help and not judge me. My parents took on the typical roles you would think of in an ideal family. My mother stayed at home with the kids, while my dad worked, providing for all of us. This absolutely developed a culture in my family where my siblings would lean on my mom more for support and help with things because she was always there. I was and still am completely lenient on my mom, especially with emotional things. 

That's the funny thing, most of the time (even if we don't realize it), we fall back into the same cultural patterns we grew up with, even when we get married and have our own families. One of the biggest takeaways I hope to gain is how to take different aspects of my family culture growing up and incorporate them when I have my own family one day. 

The culture within a family can also be heavily influenced by socioeconomic status. There are a lot of things that can affect what kind of "class" you are in, such as location, appearance, grooming, clothing, behavior/mannerisms, education, and occupation to name a few. 

This week I learned about the difficulties families have immigrating from Mexico to the United States. Most of the time, fathers leave for the U.S. first, to find work and send money home to their families. They expect to only be separated for about six months, but it could last up to even six years. Imagine the changes the family would undergo, with their father gone for six years working in another country. When someone or something changes the family system or culture, it usually forces everyone else in the family to change as well. Now, imagine the rest of the family finally making it to the U.S. and they are reunited with their father/husband. Do you think the family dynamic has changed? These stories are just absolutely heartbreaking but are a sad reality for many. 

I hope you see just how much culture and status affect the family. The purpose of this blog is to help others, and myself, frankly, learn how to raise a happy and beautiful family because that is the most important thing in life. I want to create a culture of love and respect for my family one day. The question you may want to ask yourself is, what kind of culture do you want to create for your own family? 

The Family As a System

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog!! This week I wanted to talk a little bit about how a family works as a system. A great analogy I learned was how a family can be compared to a car.  For example, the father may be shown as the steering wheel, being in control of the family, making the big decisions, and guiding everyone. Whereas the mother would be the car key, the car (family) wouldn't be able to start or do anything without it. One of the children could be compared to a seat belt, keeping the family members safe and secure. You get the idea. Every person has a role to play in the family, the question is, which role do you play? 

While learning about this, I researched some of the different roles people can play in a family, so I could figure out which role I am in my family. Some examples are the nurturer, peacemaker, black sheep, clown, cheerleader, switchboard (center of information), lost child, thinker, hero, or rescuer, just to name a few. In my family, I am the youngest of six, with three sisters and two brothers. Growing up as the youngest, my siblings would tend to speak for me a lot of the time or just wouldn't pay much attention to my thoughts or ideas. Some of them would call me either "the depressed child" or "the bored child" because I always looked boring or really sad all the time. I think these things played a big factor in why I am "the lost child" in my family. The lost child can be described as the quiet one, the good child, being obedient, flexible, easygoing, fearful to make decisions, a follower, and tends to spend a lot of time alone. This describes how I've always been around my family. Whenever we're together, I tend to just sink into the background, being quiet and listening to others. Either I would do that, or I would go hide in my room because I didn't care for the conversations they were having. It also doesn't help that my closest sibling to my own age is five years older than me. She, as well as the rest of my siblings, all have families of their own, so it's harder for me to relate to them and their situations. I've also always been a follower in my family because I look up to my siblings and I want to be like them. Even though being the lost one has its downsides, I'm grateful to know that my role is important in my family, and it wouldn't function the same without me.

Of course, each family is different and has their unique circumstances, mine is just one of many. For example, the roles in a family would differ in a single-mother household versus a family with two parents running the household. In the single-mother household, the peacemaker of the family would probably need to be the mom if the children were fighting. In the two-parent household, one of the kids could be the peacemaker if, for example, the parents were having an argument. Once someone gains a role within the family, most of the time, the role sticks with them for the rest of their lives. Even when they grow up and leave the home, the family will eventually get back together, and they will pick up the same role as before. Either the family will expect them to act that way or they will just be used to it. 

No matter what the circumstances or dynamic of a family may be, everybody has a part to play in what makes their family work. :)

Large Families...Where Did They Go?

This week, as you might have guessed, I will be talking about the decrease in birth rate over the years and its effects on society. It seems like nowadays the "ideal family" typically has about two or three children. This has dramatically changed from the early 90s and what was known as the "Baby Boomer" era. Back then, a family roughly consisted of three to four kids. What happened? Why have people changed their views toward family and how many it should consist of?

I think the utmost reason people are choosing to have less kids is because of worldly influences and societal norms. I believe the worldly view has become more selfish as the clock moves forward and time continuously passes. In my Family Relations class, we discussed the many different things we've heard from the people around us. Examples like, how you need to figure out who you really are, to "find yourself" before you devote your life to raising a family. How kids can weigh you down and hold you back from achieving dreams and goals in life. This is just the tip of the iceberg, with many more excuses for waiting to have children or even to have none at all, such as: traveling/exploring the world, being financially stable before having kids, or just waiting for the right time to have children. 

Contrary to popular belief, not having children will result in problems in the future economically due to aging populations. If there are no children being born, there will be no one to take over essential jobs or positions when people retire. The future generation, whether we like it or not, will be the ones to take care of us and this world.

For me personally, family is the most important thing and by far the greatest blessing given to me from God. I added a picture here (on the right) of my dear family. I would not be the person I am today without them; they have shaped me into the person I have wanted to become. I never truly knew how much positive influence my family had on me growing up. I've been so lucky to live in a two-parent household, with five older siblings and two parents who love and respect each other. Obviously, no family is perfect, but I really did have the ideal family situation growing up. Now I know that this isn't the case for most people, it's more likely for children to be born into single-parent homes. But the blessings of having a family far outweigh the negatives or "what if's" that could happen. I feel like so many people have forgotten this, have been blinded by social influences, or have just chosen to ignore it. I know I want to have a family of my own one day, not only because of the joy I have felt from my own family experience but also because I know families are a vital part of God's plan for His children. It is my sacred duty to raise children in love and righteousness. God has made it possible that we can be with the ones we love for all of eternity. It breaks my heart how things have changed, and the views of the family have completely flipped. 

Children are our future. It's as simple as that. We need the future generation for the sake of them and us. They give stability, hope, and most importantly, JOY! Of course, having children is a personal choice and probably the most important decision you'll make in your life. I just hope you saw the blessing and pure joy that comes from family while reading some of my thoughts. Whether a family is big or small. See you next week!