Sexual Intimacy Within a Marriage

 Hi! Welcome back to my blog! This week I'm going to talk about a more difficult and/or touchy subject than most, sex. More specifically, sexual intimacy in marriage. 

I first want to discuss the differences between male and female arousal. Interestingly, sex is most pleasurable for men at around the ages of eighteen to nineteen and thirty to thirty-five for women. What an age difference right! I also want to point out that young men who serve full-time missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are eligible to leave when they turn eighteen years of age. I definitely do not think that is a coincidence. Anyways, most of the time, women need more time to become sexually aroused to prepare for sex. It's a lot faster for men to be "in the mood" than it is for women, which makes sense because sex is not the same for each gender. For men, it's external and for women, it's internal. Women also need to feel safe, warm, and close to their husbands before they engage in sex. Men, on the other hand, want to have sex with their wives to feel safe, warm, and close to them. These differences can create a list of problems and benefits for the couple. 

One problem that could occur with sexual differences is a lack of understanding of each other. Particularly with couples who have only been sexually intimate with each other because they do not have much experience and/or understanding of sexual intimacy. For example, a woman might be frustrated with her husband, thinking he just wants her body because he wants to have sex with her all the time. He might feel that she doesn't love him because she doesn't want to have sex with him. When, in reality, he wants to have sex with her to feel safe and close to her. On the flip side, another problem with sexual differences in genders is that the more sexual partners you have, the harder to receive an emotional connection with someone. These are just a few examples. 

Even though there are problems that result from sexual differences, there are plenty of benefits as well. It gives couples an opportunity to work together and creates an intimate bond between them. Married couples are supposed to be of one flesh and one heart as commanded by God. So, I think he gave us the ability to procreate to fulfill this commandment. Some other benefits are being able to drop boundaries with one another and reduce stress and even disease. But I think the most important of all is that it creates a space for unselfishness for the couple because they focus on each other's needs before their own. This reminds me of a scripture in the New Testament, where the apostle, Paul is answering specific questions about marriage.

1 Corinthians chapter 7 verse 4 says, "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the wife unto the husband."

I know many people would probably disagree with this scripture, but I think it means that a husband's body and parts are not supposed to be for his own benefit, but for the benefit of his wife. Likewise, a wife's body and parts are not supposed to be for her own benefit, but for the benefit of her husband. 

I think the greatest thing I learned this week about sexual intimacy in a marriage is to think of sex as a precious gift given to you by your spouse. A kind of gift this intimate should only be opened with the one who gave it to you. You want to unwrap it slowly and carefully, taking as much time as you need. 

Sexual intimacy is extremely sacred and precious (in my opinion), and you should be careful who you share it with. 

Engagement, The Wedding, and Marriage

 "Mawage is wot bwings us togeder, tooday."

You all know that time in the relationship when you start looking at engagement rings online, talk about your wedding, and basically plan out your life together. Yup, it's time for the proposal. This is a very crucial time in the relationship, because, when things get difficult later on in the marriage, the woman tends to look back on the start of their relationship. Nowadays, a proposal is more of a negotiation than a declaration of your love and commitment to someone. It's all staged and planned out to be super extravagant and romantic. I see it time and time again. A proposal doesn't have to be this crazy scheme put together with 1,000 rose petals and an orchestra. It should just be a sweet intimate moment between the couple, otherwise, it's just for show. And that's just the proposal, not even the wedding. 

Ok, now that you're engaged, it's time to start planning the big day! But how are you going to get all that money? A typical wedding costs about 28,000 dollars. That's A LOT of money, especially for a young couple who is more than likely still in school. Couples could delay education, marriage, buying a house, or even having kids because of how expensive weddings are. More than likely, the parents are going to pay for the bulk of the wedding. Out of the two, who do you think is going to be planning the wedding? It's probably going to be the girl. Most girls dream and begin planning their wedding when they are around five years old. Do you know who probably is going to help them plan the wedding? Their mother, not their future spouse. 

A lot of people think engagement is the time to plan a wedding. In reality, engagement includes not only planning a wedding but planning a marriage as well. Things like budgeting, talking about different roles each partner will play, and changing relationships with other people; maybe letting go of some old friends, especially those of the opposite gender. What if loved ones, friends, and/or the community helped out with the cost of the wedding, rather than expecting them to pay for it all themselves? Makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?

Now, when the wedding's over, most couples think the hardest part is over. That couldn't be further from the truth. Marriage isn't all rainbows and unicorns, it's hard work. There are many unexpected adjustments couples make in their first month of marriage. Some examples are eating habits, sleeping together, sharing bathroom space, level of cleanliness, organization, amount of laundry, communication, and roles that need to be given (jobs, household chores, reminders for prayer/scripture study, finances). It's important to communicate these things during the engagement period, not after you're already married. 

There are many unexpected adjustments during the first year of marriage as well. One of the most common ones is addressing each other's needs like they did at the beginning of a marriage. Another, that can happen in the first year is a life-changing event, having a baby. In fact, satisfaction within a marriage decreases when the first child is born. This is because they spend more time focused on the baby and its needs, rather than each other. This happens when each child is born and gradually increases when each kid leaves the house. 

Marriage was never meant to be easy, but it was meant to be worth it! It'll take time and effort, but the rewards and benefits will be far greater than anything you can imagine. Eternal marriage is the greatest gift God could give to us.

See you next week!! :) 

Preparing for Marriage: Dating

 "Oh my gosh!!! You'll never guess what happened, mom!"

"What!?!" 

"One of the guys from my science class asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend!"

"Oh, that's exciting! What are you guys going to do?"

"I don't know, probably just get some food and watch a movie at his apartment."

Hello everyone!! Welcome back to my blog! I'm very excited
 to talk about, yep you guessed it, dating and preparing for marriage! This couldn't have come at a better time, with Valentine's Day being next week! 

So, what does dating mean? Does it even matter? It feels like everyone these days never go on "dates" anymore, they just "hang out." But what's the difference between the two? I learned that the difference is HUGE, and it not only affects your courtship but also your marriage as well. See, when you go out on a date, you're paired off with a planned activity typically paid for. When you hang out with somebody, typically you don't plan much about what you are going to do and it's confusing to know what the other person wants or how they feel about you. You usually end up doing the same things when you hang out with someone as well, like watching a movie on the couch. How does that prepare you for marriage? I think we could all agree that the end goal of dating is to eventually get married. Having these planned, pared off, and paid for activities prepares you to preside, protect and provide while in a marriage. Yes, dating does take some effort! But the reward is worth it. What is the end goal of hanging out with someone? To hang out with them again, I guess. 

The next question to ask yourself is, how should I date or go about dating then? The best and probably most effective type of dating is going on many dates with lots of different people and personalities. This will give you a better idea of the kind of person you want to date and what personalities you get along best with. Once you've gone on a good number of dates with different people, you can begin to narrow down the list of people by seeing who you got along with best and maybe go on another date with these "chosen ones" you could call them. Overall, you would want to marry your best friend, or at least I want to!

The best steps to take toward marriage begin with dating. Once you find someone you really like and want to date exclusively, you take a step further and, as they say in the olden days, "court" them or, in other words, go steady with them. The next two steps are pretty obvious, engagement and then finally, marriage. People tend to slide into marriage instead of taking these steps slowly and working toward marriage. A lot of the time, that's why people struggle within their marriage, by not taking these steps more slowly. Everyone wants to fall in love and not necessarily work toward love. But remember, you can fall out of love just as easily as you can fall in love.  

The best ways to have a happy and healthy marriage are to one, carefully select a person based on important values, have a great amount of unselfishness (forgetting yourself and service your significant other), and continue courting each other when you are married (expressing your affection to one another). 

I hope you all have been able to change your perspective on dating and marriage, just a little bit. I know I have! I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day and remember, even if you think no one else does, God really loves you!!

Gender and Family Life

Hello everyone! Welcome back to my blog!! This post is going to handle a more difficult subject than most, gender. Honestly, I've been pretty nervous about posting this, but I feel like I have gained a whole new perspective on this particular topic. So, let's get into it, shall we?

The big question is, does gender/sex matter? Why or why not? 

First, we need to look at feminine versus masculine roles. Females tend to develop more quickly, are more nurturing, their communication develops faster, participate in more cooperative play, are relationship-oriented, look more for details, and have better fine motor skills. Whereas males or masculine roles tend to have a bigger startle response, are more violent and destructive, participate in more competitive play, have better gross motor skills, and are more spatial oriented. Of course, not every male and female fit into these categories, and lots of people think those who don't are "different". In reality, these people are atypical for their gender and not typical. People who are atypical often get labeled within the LGBTQ+ community. If they don't look or act normal in the roles of men and women, they are judged because we live in a hypersexualized society. 

For example, if a father and mother notice their six-year-old boy is wanting to play with dolls in a barbie house, they would immediately be worried about him becoming gay because he is not "being boy enough" or acting like other boys his age. But that doesn't mean he's going to become gay; it just means he is atypical for his gender. 

In my personal opinion, gender/sex does matter, especially within a family. Last week I talked about different gender roles in a family, and how important each one is. We need these gender roles to create an optimal family unit everyone wants to have. Coming from a religious standpoint, I know gender is essential in God's plan for us and that our gender was predetermined before coming to Earth. That being said, I do believe people struggle with having feelings for the same gender. There are many different theories as to why men are homosexual or have homosexual feelings. Sometimes they claim to be "born this way" meaning they say their sexual orientation has to do with biology. Interestingly enough, a study was done with twins, to test if this theory was actually true or not. The theory is if one of the twins is gay, then the other twin should be gay 100 percent of the time because they have the same genetics. The data should that only about 7-11% of the time was the other twin gay, showing sexual preference is not biological. Another theory is the social model these people grow up with. A lot of the time these men have poor relationships with their father and their mother tends to swoop in and smother them, giving them a different perspective and opinions of gender. A really sad but common reason for men to be homosexual is their trauma response. An article, I read said that the average age of gay men who have been sexually abused is around the age of 12. Confusing these boys about what their feelings truly mean towards the same and opposite gender. The last comes down to having free will to determine their sexual orientation. 

 I learned this week that some people who are homosexual do not want to have those feelings in the first place (a lot of these feelings can come from social models and trauma responses). They want nothing more than to have a family of their own and they don't understand why they feel this way. Some of them are able to overcome or identify why they feel this way. One important thing I hope you would take away from this is that people who are homosexual don't always just choose to have those feelings or even want them. Gender, no matter what you identify as, matters. And most importantly, whoever you are or what your opinion is, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. 

See you next week! :)